Mr. Manners Returns

Dear Mr. Manners,

The recent new tastes of my 8-year-old son—for the sake of anonymity I’ll call him Clameron (as he ‘clams up’ whenever you try to have a serious discussion with him)—concern me greatly.
Yes, like every boy he loves to play soccer, throw baseballs, and act like a real stinker to his sisters, but his taste in music is keeping me up nights worrying. Worrying as I hear it playing in his room every night, somehow lulling him to sleep—those melodies transforming into frenetic jousting of harmonies, the keyboards flying madly between octaves, and then the denouement triumphant!
What is a mother to do?
While other mothers can brag about their children listening to dreamy Zack Efron, Hannah Montana, or those fabulous American Idol musical superstars, I must hang my head and confess that MY SON (sob!!) only listens to that punk rocker of his century, (another sob!!) Beethoven!
And it is a piano concerto! Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-Flat to be exact!
And my husband is the one who dug out this old CD of his and gave it to him to listen to!
They are conspiring against me! What can I do?
I do so want to have a normal boy!

Yours sincerely,

Keyed Up and Pale in the Heights
__________________

Dear Ivory Keys,

Tempting though it is to segue your cry for help into a recital of that trite motif of the atonally droning chorus of pop psychology, ‘Be careful what you wish for,’ I must refrain, as you are obviously already suffering from classical cognitive dissonance.
For the problem is much more discordant than you might imagine, and may even be a prelude to even greater mischief of the cacophonous kind.
(Excuse me as I now leave the verbiage of musicology behind and don the robes of psychology.)
You see, this particular piano concerto is commonly referred to as the “Emperor Concerto’ and as such, repeated listening to it could lead your little Clameron to fall prey to a superiority complex.
Yes, as he hums and conducts the complex harmonies of Beethoven in his mind while his slack-jawed peers drool onto their Ipods as they revel in those musical maestros you mentioned, he may subconsciously draw conclusions that could lead to such visions of grandeur.
And such, he would probably end up with anti-social behaviors such as prizing education, thinking critically, contributing to society, and maybe {gasp) even taking a liking to Mozart.
Be that as it may, there are two easy steps to snap him out of this self-destructive behavior.
1. Get cable or satellite TV.
2. Make him watch the Disney Channel 24/7.

He will soon be cured of any nonconformist behavior, and will be able to converse ably with his friends about all the nuances of the latest wacky antics of Zack and Cody, Raven, Hannah, and the East High teens.

Sincerely yours,

Mr. Manners
PS: Please let me know if you need a prescription for his slack jaw, as I will be glad to write one for him. (I have already included your own personally inscribed prescription with this reply.)