A blast from the past....

In my family emails of yesteryear (I am merely a blogger now), I would sometimes take on the identity of an advice columnist as I attempted to explain the craziness that was (and still is) our home.
Anyhoo, we were looking up info from our old emails and I found two of my favorites from 2002 and 2005 (and these are more than just loosely based on actual events)....
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Dear Mr. Manners,
In an attempt to civilize/teach morals to our two eldest children (ages 2 and 5), we purchased and began reading illustrated scripture stories to our kids every night. However, a year later, when it is time for them to pick a story to read before bedtime, if there isn't a sword or spear in ACTION, or someone getting their arm or head cut off, or someone getting a small stone implanted into their forehead, or someone getting tar-and-feathered, or SATAN playing a prominent part, they won't pick it! My 2-year old son always asks us if the people in the pictures are fighting or killing someone--and if not, he wants a different story! And whenever we do read these gory stories, they both excitedly pore over the pictures and point, saying, "Is THIS the blood from when he got his head cut off?" and are disappointed if the scene described in words is not shown in gory detail in the picture!
Also, my son told his dad last week, "I will shoot your eye out....with a GUN!"
Is this normal?
Am I just overreacting?
Sincerely,
We Now Lock Our Bedroom Door at Night
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Dear Doorlocks,
What wonderfully mischievous little imps!
Most pop psychologists would, naturally, attribute such a fascination with violence, blood, and the occult to the usual worn-out whipping boy--the ever-entertaining (and totally harmless) Bugs Bunny & Roadrunner Show.
But in actuality the source of this fascination is merely a healthy and normal child's desire to play games with their parents' minds. I would bet money that your children sleep soundly through the night, and conversely, that your sleep is restless.
Anyway, enjoy the moment! All too soon they will be wanting you to read the stories about children getting advances on their inheritances!
Sincerely,
Mr. Manners
PS: Have you considered locking up your larger cutlery at night as a short-term countermeasure?

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Dear Mr. Manners,
Our children have very good hearing, and they picked up this terrible phrase from the Simpsons that their Dad was quietly telling me. And now they are imaginatively expanding on it. How can I get them to stop saying such things?
Sincerely,
Aghast in Dayton

Dear Aghast in Dayton (may I call you Agh?)
Sadly, this is a more common occurrence than you might think. Being somewhat clairvoyant and judging from your mental state, I would guess that it is not the relatively innocuous, 'I'm Bart Simpson, who the he-- are you?' but rather Homer's mellifluous, even rhapsodic, "They're the suckiest suck of sucks that ever sucked a suck.' It comes trippingly off the tongue, don't you think? But I digress....
And let me guess. The sweet children have expanded this to such things as 'That the poopiest poop of poop that ever pooped a poop' or 'That's the pukiest puke of puke that ever puked a puke.'
I commiserate with you. As for countermeasures to this verbal onslaught, I am sure that your husband is still recovering from the laser-eye glare you gave him after your child overheard and then uttered the phrase, so that is already taken care of (though I'm sure you were chuckling up to that point...!).
As for the children, much like a song that you can't get out of your head, until something else takes its place it will not be relegated to conscious oblivion. May I suggest the harmless phrase, 'I'm Yosemite Sam and you're a sassafrassin' frigglevrassin' varmint!'
Sincerely,
Mr. Manners