A Child's Prayer

As told to me by Cindy last night:

I went in to hear Ally say her prayers before bedtime. At the end of the prayer Ally asked, "Did you see me do this?" and then she scratched her skin by her mouth. "No," replied Cindy. Then Ally asked, "Well, then did you see me do this?" and then rubbed her eyes. "No," replied Cindy. "Why didn't you?!" Ally replied back. "Because I had my eyes shut," Cindy replied. Ally got this pained look on her face, and then said, "It's a parent's job to be like this during prayers!" and then she did her best impression of someone peeking while trying to look like their eyes were still shut. Cindy then related to me, "I guess she's used to Dad during prayertime!"

Another Type of 'Hunger Game'?

A couple days ago a bunch of girls were down in the basement happily playing. They were all pretending to be cats. You never heard such purring, meowing, or scratching on carpets. Yes, I was almost physically ill. (It's not so much that I hate cats as much as the fact that I thoroughly detest cats.) (OK, OK....a small confession, our OUTDOOR semi-family cat Ralph Maynard was an exception many decades ago, but he was like one of the family--he ate leftover wheat mush and any other leftovers, both flora and fauna.) Anyway, when I went down later it was just Ally and her friend. I peeked into the bedroom and asked, 'What are you girls doing now?' Ally reached over to an open bag of pretzels and lifted them up for me to see, then happily replied, 'We're using pretzels as our fresh kill!'

Child Abuse!?

Ally stayed home from school today—she has been fighting a cold as well as occasional tummy-aches for the past week.
Before she and Cindy were to trek to Sam’s Club, Cindy fixed her a lunch of a cheese quesadilla (cut up neatly into 6 pizza-like slices) and some fresh strawberries. Ally ate 1.5 pieces of her quesadilla and some strawberries. She then announced, ‘I’m done eating. We can go to Sam’s club now if I can take a snack with me.’
Cindy replied, ‘If you’re still hungry, you need to finish eating your lunch.’
Ally retorted, ‘No. My tummy is full of my lunch—I need to take a snack.’
Cindy riposted, ‘Then you need to finish your lunch.’
Ally countered, ‘No. I’m full of my lunch.’
Cindy reiterated, ‘Then you need to eat more!’
Ally harrumphed and flounced to show her dissatisfaction, then stated, ‘Now you’re just being mean to your sick child!’

Ally then thought that Cindy was being even meaner as Cindy burst out laughing!

Not Quite Grasping the Concept

Today we had the pleasure of explaining the concept of 'April Fools Day' to Ally, and less than a minute later she was excitedly chiming, 'Guess what Dad! I just read a book without pictures all by myself!' I proffered the usual sounds of amazement and awe. She then paused dramatically before laughing out, 'April Fools!'

A minute later she came over to the kitchen sink, looked it over, and then excitedly said, 'Daddy, I want to do the dishes!'
I gave her a sidelong glance, waiting for the 'April Fools!!!'

I was still waiting after we finished cleaning up the dishes together.

I guess there's still hope for at least her.....

Good thing to know

Ally was asking me to do something, and I replied,
'But Ally, I'm OLD!'
She harrumphed and said,'Stop saying that! You are NOT old!'
I asked her how she knew this.
'Because you don't have cracks in your tongue. Old people have cracks in their tongue!'
Well, who can argue with that!

PS: You may be old if you're thinking about looking at your tongue in a mirror right about now.....

Ticked Off

Well, our tick-magnet daughter once again served as our DEW (distant early warning) line for the little bloodsuckers.
After carousing on the hill for awhile then coming in for FHE (no it wasn't 'Leave-the-family-home evening this time), she sat next to me, and awhile l later she pointed out a tick scurrying up my arm. It was moving so quick that I at first doubted that it was a tick, but it survived the squish-and-smear test (only losing its legs in the process). Yep, a tick.
A short time later there was another one on her arm.

And now Cindy is telling me that this same daughter may have gotten into poison ivy too!

I sure hope no rattlers are in the area....our same daughter will probably find it first too!

Scottish humor on an Irish holiday

So my lower back decided to jump out of place the other day and so I have been somewhat feeble and wobbly.
So this afternoon as we were sitting at the dinner table enjoying the 75-degree weather (and looking forward to the 80-degree weather for next week!! Ahh, mid-March has never been so nice!), Ally came in and asked me to get her a drink of water.

'I'll get it for you Ally,' Cindy cooed, 'Your Daddy has a bad back and I only have cancer!'

100th Anniversary

Today at lunch I placed two Oreo cookies next to Ally and then told her that Oreos were a hundred years old this year!

She slapped her palm against her forehead in the classic 'Wow, I could've had a V-8!' and replied, "A hundred years!?! Wow! Why, that's like....like 5000 years!'

Yeah. Okaaaaaaay.

I wonder how much the math tutor will cost....

Da Birds and Da Bees

So this morning Erin was being her usual goofy, semi-irritating self, and at one point I interjected, 'Ya know, Erin, you kids could really see how fun, happy, and nice your parents are if you would all be fun, happy and nice to each other.'
Erin got a huge goofy grin on her face and in loud mischievous sing-song tones she said, 'Oh DaaaAAd, YOU'RE the one who got Mom pregnant!!' [and thus ended up with Erin and the rest of the kids]
She then tacked on, 'Oh YEAH Dad, I've been on THAT FIELD TRIP!' [I.e., she knows the facts of life.]
SHe then added in an even louder, even more silly voice, 'Yep, that's RIGHT!....I've taken a BUS to THAT neighborhood!'

Yes, it is possible to chuckle uncontrollably while rolling one's eyes in despair.

Yes, and isn't it nice that she thinks that everything she does or ever may do is necessarily the fault of me and/or Cindy just because we were her birth parents?

Sigh.

I sure will enjoy being a grandfather some day....I hope my eyesight keeps up so I can read this back to her....

Just Doing My Job...

Kenner made the mistake of watching a ‘scary video’ on YouTube while at a friend’s birthday party on Friday. As she puts it, ‘It creeped me out!’
As such, for the past couple of nights she has either first fallen asleep in our bed or has slept the night with Erin.
Last night she was still begging to sleep with Erin, but Erin wasn’t interested, so I tried to offer a remedy.
In my best counseling voice I said, ‘Hey Kenner, if you have scary thoughts, just sing a song.’
She was rather skeptical.
I continued, ‘For example, you could sing, ‘I Am a Child of God.’’
I then sang a couple bars:

‘I am a child of ghosts,
That come oozing out from your walls…’

Unfortunately she cut me off there (or maybe fortunately, as I would have had to come up with more lyrics!)

And she slept through the night just fine!

Prescient Procrastinators Shall Never Prosper....

As explained in my last post, my intent was to lay a baseball bat by my bed Thursday night.
However, there was no seminary on Friday, so I put it off.
Then I promptly forgot about it.
So what comes on this morning?
Neil 'I even make the Beatles sound good in comparison' Diamond!
Fortunately, Cindy promptly hopped up out of bed and turned the radio alarm off before I had to start feeling around for a book or something else of heft.

“Out, danged song! out, I say!”

I was enjoying a luxuriously deep sleep at 5 AM this morning, when Cindy’s alarm clock radio flipped on. The dulcet tones of John Denver filled the room.
I have helpfully provided a timeline of my thoughts as I had to listen to the lyrics (as marked by asterisks).

‘Sunshine.....on my shoulders*....makes me happy!..............
Sunshine....in my eyes....can make me cry**..............
Sunshine....on the water....looks so lovely...............
Sunshine....almost always***....makes me high...........****

if I had....a day*****..........that I could give you....******

*”Is this a nightmare? You’ve got to be joking! She’s gotta stop listening to that ‘oldies station.’”
**”Why isn’t she getting out of bed and turning that heckacious noise off?
***”Oh, the a—go—ny!!!! And why do I find it not at all surprising that he sings a high tenor (alto?).”
****”Yeah, ‘high’ is the right word. Likely stoned out of his mind when he wrote it!”
*****”Is she deaf? Is she dead? She’d better be!”
******”She’s finally getting up to turn it off! My sanity is saved!!! Note to self: Self, you’d better put a bat by the bed tomorrow in case Neil Diamond tries to wake you up!”

Two hours later, as I was walking out the door to work, I told Cindy, ‘You know, it’s all YOUR fault!’

She gave me a blank look and replied, ‘What is?’

I continued, ‘That I have that stupid John Denver song running through my head! Aaaargh!’

She chuckled, ‘I just loved it when I heard that this morning! And it was even more delicious because I knew that it would drive you crazy! That’s why I let it play for so long!’

Hmmm....Sounds like I need to get my 'Best of ZZ-Top' CD out and return the favor!

Daddo's Always Know the Best Soothing Words of Comfort

A couple days ago Ally had a loose chunk of a toenail that needed to be clipped off.
Cindy had tried to do it the night before, but Ally had steadfastly refused to provide access.
So the next morning I got a goor bearhug on Ally and gave her her favorite stuffed animal (a dog of all things!) and then Cindy grabbed the clippers to perform the toenailendectomy.
Ally starting crying frantically. Tears streamed down her face and her body was a frenzy of squirms.

Naturally, Cindy had yet to even touch her toenail.

I grabbed her tighter to immobilize her and cut off her view of the offending toenail, and Cindy clamped onto her foot and after enduring a couple more spastic squirms she was able to cut it off.

Ally continued to piteously cry after the fact, so I attempted to console her. Hearking back to a recent movie, I crooned, ‘Ally, do you think that the guy that had to cut his own arm off cried?’

I don’t know if it consoled her, but it did make Cindy break out into uncontrollable laughter.

Sniper Dude

Cameron just got back from his first time at Scout camp. He got 5 merit badges and quite the reputation.
As one of the leaders told Cindy today, 'You didn't tell me your son was a natural-born killer!'
After a couple years of shooting thousands of BBs and then .22 caliber pellets, shooting a .22 rifle for the Rifle Shooting merit badge was a piece of cake. I guess he passed the first level (3 out of 3 shots within the circumference of a quarter) with his first 3 shots.
He was the first to pass off that merit badge and also the first in Archery. (Not that he was bragging or anything!)
Then yesterday we went to a free beginning shooters' class at a nearby gun club, and he was one of only 4 out of our group of 30 to hit a clay bird with a 20-gauge shotgun (and the only one to fully disintegrate the bird).
Yes, he is quite insufferable!
I guess this is another one of those traits that skipped a generation! (Dad won numerous WA state muzzle-loader tourneys in the 70s....)

Able to shotput parents with a single bound!

The other night I was in bed and Erin kept pestering me with questions, etc., just to get on my nerves.
As I wasn't in a mode of dress that would be suitable to escort her out the door, I called out to Cindy to help her out the door.
After I did this Erin responded, 'Yeah, as if Mom could get me out! I could just pick her up and throw her out the window!'
We all chuckled at that, and then she blissfully (to me) went to bed.

Bliss

On Sunday we picked the first strawberries from the garden, and yesterday the first 8 raspberries were ripe and we also enjoyed our first freshly-picked garden salad.
Life is good.

Oh Deer!

As we were getting ready for church this morning Allyson came to me and said,

"I wish Makenna was named Clarise, and be a reindeer. Reindeer are nice."

um.....okay?

Enough about Cats Already!

Makenna is reading book twenty-elevenhundredth in this series about cats that live in clans in the wild. (The 'Warriors' Series.)

Personally, I don't like cats much. Actually I pretty much detest the needy little beggars.

Anyway, yesterday I offered to get some cracks out of Makenna's back, so she laid down on the floor on her stomach and I began working my way up her back to loosen her muscles. When I got to the prime pushing area (where I usually get about 20 cracks at once and her back sinks back down a good ½ inch), as usual I paused and waited for her to relax.

However, she kept tensing up, so finally I said, 'Kenner, you need to be limp--like a wet noodle.
She rejoindered, 'Do you mean "Like a mouse limp in a cat's jaws?"'

'Uh, well....hmmm....I guess....yes. Something like that.'

She was giggling so much that I finally gave up.

At least those books have got her hooked on reading.....at last!

Tickled?

Cindy called me up, and I must say she sounded right tickled with herself.

'Guess what happened?' she said.

'Hmm....Did you hurt your back?' (No, I'm not a very good guesser.)

'Uhh, no. But I just removed a tick from Makenna's head by myself!
And I didn't even call you and tell you to get home right away and take care of it!'

I was also pleased as punch!

One less manly task that I have to do every time. That shortens the list to killing spiders, gardening, mowing, greasing door hinges, changing the oil in the vehicles, and popping blisters!

(Thank goodness tapeworms aren't a problem!)

Perceptive Little Cuss

A few days ago Ally wasn't feeling so hot, so as she laid on our bed I laid down next to her and began tickling her back.

Within 5 seconds she commented, 'You cut your fingernails!'

Yes, I had cut them that morning. I marveled at her perceptiveness--and her memory of how my fingernails had felt the previous night at bedtime!

She snuggled even closer, and then out of the blue snuggled even closer and said, 'Let me smell your armpit!'

I marveled at her total lack of common sense and her plumb foolishness.

She survived.

She even mentioned that it smelled like one of her friends.

Another thing to put on my to-do list: Avoid meeting her friends.