Perceptive Little Cuss

A few days ago Ally wasn't feeling so hot, so as she laid on our bed I laid down next to her and began tickling her back.

Within 5 seconds she commented, 'You cut your fingernails!'

Yes, I had cut them that morning. I marveled at her perceptiveness--and her memory of how my fingernails had felt the previous night at bedtime!

She snuggled even closer, and then out of the blue snuggled even closer and said, 'Let me smell your armpit!'

I marveled at her total lack of common sense and her plumb foolishness.

She survived.

She even mentioned that it smelled like one of her friends.

Another thing to put on my to-do list: Avoid meeting her friends.

She's right again.....of course!

I love free water for the lawn and garden as much as the next skinflint, but as another big rainstorm approaches (which will likely put us over 9" of rain for the month), I have to agree with Cindy's statement yesterday.

"When you're driving down the highway and see ducks swimming in farmers' fields, I think I can say that I have had enough rain for awhile."

A blast from the past--

Many years ago there was an 'Erma Bombeck' writing contest. Yes, I lost. As did many others, I'm sure. Anyway, I just came across it, so I'm posting it here without comment....
Except to comment that this was written for a general audience....
...And it was written many years ago....
...And any similarity between anyone living or dead is purely coincidental, otherwise I would likely already be dead....
...And yes, I used too many big words....
...And yes, my favorite phrase relates to chess, though it doesn't apply in my case. Maybe I should copyright it?...

But I digress....

Today’s modern men have learned with near-precocious alacrity the utility of the phrase ‘Yes, Dear’ to majestically display our seemingly tender acquiescence to those terribly pressing issues plaguing our dearests that, frankly, don’t mean diddly to us. Magnanimously we agree with her on her selection of the dinner vegetable, the shoes that best match her latest outfit, and the fragrance of the shampoo.
But there are certain times when we men use ‘Yes, Dear’ to convey a nuance teeming with angst.
For example, recently my dearest wife was on the phone giving advice to a newly-engaged friend about wedding ring selection. I overheard her remark, “I see he hasn’t learned how to say ‘Yes, Dear’ yet. But he will!” I chimed in, “Yes, he will. But in a ring-purchasing scenario, though he may say ‘Yes, Dear,’ he is really thinking ‘HOLY CRAP!’”
Yes, this subtle nuance often goes unnoticed when we men reply to certain queries from our dearests. Specifically, it is those queries that will involve a man’s time, effort, and/or money. It is never vocalized (except by those lacking any sort of judgment, tact, or self- preservation instinct), but it can be detected by just the slightest hesitation that precedes the obligatory ‘Yes, dear.’
Such nuance-rich responses would follow seemingly innocuous suggestions such as ‘Let’s repaint a room!’ ‘Let’s drop by the fabric store!” or “Let’s rearrange the furniture!”
Yet, speaking of hidden nuances, a man is still a mere novice when compared to his dearest, who has never met a nuance she didn’t like. This is because she has learned that nuances-both those she gives and those she receives (and promptly ignores)--are win-win for her. Mated man is thus in continual checkmate.
So let’s consider the above three suggestions as a quick primer in this female deceit…I mean, nuance. When painting, the word ‘Let’s’ would usually be considered fully inclusive in nature, but in this particular instance would mean ‘I’ll pick out the paint color and you paint.’ Likewise, ‘dropping by’ the fabric store will swallow an entire Saturday afternoon. (And as we all know, for most man each minute in a fabric store feels like a year. In prison. At hard labor.) As for rearranging furniture, the man may be excused for mistakenly thinking that his dearest already has a final plan in her mind, but after moving the upright grand to the 3rd and then 4th location, he will realize that the final arrangement will only be attained at the exact moment he physically collapses--the final arrangement for that day, anyway.
“…What was that, sweetie? Get off the computer and help you spade up and plant the garden?
“…Yes, dear.”

The end of times must be near? It's getting all apocalypsy on me!

It only took a year or two for the mayonnaise. But in the end she stopped buying that garbage otherwise known as Miracle Whip.

It only took about 5 years for the peanut butter ice cream. But recently she put a big dollop of plain PB in her bowl of ice cream.

And tonight.....tonight.....(sorry, I'm getting all teary-eyed)....she picked up an 'Supreme' (Everything) pizza at Sam's Club.

The reason? 'I saw it and it just looked soooo good!'

Tonight is the first night I have eaten a true pizza (in my humble opinion) in our 15 years of married bliss.

Yes, it was delicious! Even the onions and peppers that others picked off of theirs.

Now all that's left is sushi.....but I'm jest fine if she leaves it all for me....and now Cameron!

Small Talk

About a week ago Cindy called me at work to tell me something or other of importance.
After that she began talking about something that she had heard about or seen. She went into great detail.
I began multitasking, typing away on a translation.

Shortly thereafter she stopped in mid-sentence, paused slightly, and then commented, 'I don't know why I am talking to you like this--like I would talk to a girlfriend--thinking that you even really care.'

Without missing a typing beat, I adroitly replied, 'Did you say something?'

No, I actually replied something along the lines of 'Oh, I don't mind listening.' but I was probably lacking the requisite ring of sincerity. (She's already wearing the other ring of sincerity!)

That ended that conversation, and it may be that we both ended it a little wiser.

Then again, as Cindy is already wise, maybe she just had someone else calling in on the other line!

All is safely gathered in.....

Cindy was asked to teach the sisters at a stake RS activity how to can chicken by doing a hands-on class, which she (with some assistance from me) did 6 times in a 3-hour period in order to show everyone how easy it really is.

We would like to express our warm thanks to all the sisters in the stake who helped us can 20 quarts and 27 pints of chicken for our food supply (and the use of Sis. Brown's ouble-layer pressure canner at the church). Mmmm Mmmm good!

So instead of spending 2 or 3 days to do 80 pounds of chicken we only had to spend 16 hours* that day to get it all canned.

(This of course does not include the trip to Sam's the day before to buy the chicken, a trip to Walmart to buy the lids, washing all the jars, preparing handouts, bringing a good portion of the kitchen up to the church, cutting up 12 pounds of chicken the night before, cleaning up afterwards, etc.) =)

The deed is done....

After a couple weeks of looking over the lay of the land, the 'Hill Cumorah' dirt mound behind our house now sports a narrow trail that takes you along the steep side all the way to the top. I saw that there were some wild blackberries growing on the hillside too, so I also cut out a dead-end trail to them.

If I get really ambitious I may even put in a small terrace for even more garden space!

Oh yeah--as of last night the spinach, leaf lettuce, sweet onion bulbs, and garlic (yeah, it's best if planted in the fall, but at $1.50 at Walmart, what's to lose?) is in the ground.

Spring is Around the Corner

Today after the stake Daddy-Daughter Activity (where I learned afresh that I have no aptitude for line dancing, be it the jitterbug or Michael Jackson moves) I went home and got to work.

1. Made a new 12' x 2' raised bed for some blackberry (thornless no less! Thanks Sis!) and raspberry plants (thanks again Myla!) that we transplanted to our garden plot last fall. I'll be digging the grass out and filling it in with dirt at a later date!
2. Removed a lot of old dry reedy stalks from 'Hill Cumorah' behind our house and dumped them behind said hill. I am studying the feasibility of rototilling out a trail to the top....or at least making a small terrace in a somewhat flat section.
3. Rototilled the entire garden--we are planning to plant some spinach later this week.
4. Applied lime pellets to the yard (thanks again Myla!)

I noticed that some of the strawberry transplants from my sister are sporting leaves, and that the foolhardy ('No Cameron, you can't shoot it!') rooster pheasant that comes through our yard most every evening stopped to peck around in the freshly-tilled dirt.

Anyway, is there a better way to spend a beautiful sunny (if windy) Saturday?

Addendum: Tonight I looked in the mirror, and saw that I had gotten some sun on my forehead. I mentioned it to Cindy and she chimed in, 'Yeah, and it even penetrated through your hair!'(evil smirk)

Thank you Andrew.....

Andrew "Klavan On the Culture" that is....

It is now 11:52 PM, and still no sign of the shopper!

However, I have kept myself entertained immensely on YouTube and Pajamas Media with the 'Klavan On the Culture' snippets.

If you are a conservative, enjoy! (Try his 'Young Person's Guide to the Constitution; or the Obama Beach Blanket Recovery; if you are interested in public unions, he has a new one out about that too!)
If you're not, don't bother!

I wonder if Dairy Queen still sells Blizzards at this time of night.....That would be one theory for the late night out....

Yes, I would be in bed already if I didn't think she needed help carrying things in. =)

Great News!

Cindy's back is feeling a LOT better!

This announcement was arrived at by inductive reasoning.

She left for the 'Nickel Auction' at 6:50 PM.

It is now 11:10 PM, and still no hide nor hair.

Ergo, her back must be feeling fine!

(I hope she bought something good to read for me!)

Lullaby Schullaby

I was guarding the henhouse tonight, and the kids were somewhat rowdy.

Since they couldn't decide on a movie to watch from our somewhat extensive collection, I found one of my favorites from my personal stash: "Master and Commander." (Having read Horatio Hornblower novels since the 7th grade, how could I NOT like it?!)

And Clearplay was in the vanguard, cutting out the language, etc., like a virtual Nelson.(Though Erin emitted a lot of EWWWWs when the 11-year old midshipman got his arm amputated....)

Anyway, it was a big hit, in my opinion, anyway.

Ally soon fell asleep in my arms, and then Cameron and Erin fell asleep on the couch and floor, respectively.

Kenner (who had poo-poo-ed my movie selection) came down about 50 minutes in, and she was soon yawning too.

20 minutes later I woke them up, turned the movie off, and hustled them to bed.

Well done, Jack Aubrey. Well done!

Inane Comment of the Day

Cameron looking out at the coating of new-fallen snow:

"That's how it should look outside!"

Ally to the Rescue

Scene:
A weekday morning 2 days ago.
Two upper elementary-age children are sitting at the bar. (In the kitchen, of course...)
They are intently watching TV as they eat.
The bartender (i.e., waitress, i.e., servant, i.e., janitor, i.e., mommy) is suffering from a very sore back and is trying to serve both of these demanding customers.
The bartender is also gingerly trying to lean over and unload the dishwasher between her periods of direct servitude.

Allyson enters the room.
She views the scene.
She walks over to the bartender, looks up, and says, 'Mommy, I can get the ones on the bottom rack for you!'

The two customers are oblivious, continuing to drool onto their food as they watch TV.

It's kinda like that old Meatloaf song....as it might be sung by Ally....

They want you (they want you)
They need you (they need you)
But there ain't no way they're ever gonna help you
Now don't be sad (Don't---be---sad)
'Cause one out of four ain't bad
Now don't----be----sad
'Cause one out of four ain't bad

Curse You Ally for Taking the Road Less Traveled!

Yesterday Cindy was still down with her back problems, and Ally was being a big help.

Ally saw the half-eaten container of 'Samoa's' Girl Scout cookies on Cindy's nightstand (see the previous post), and asked if she could try one.

She did, and, most sadly, she LIKED it. A LOT!

She snuggled up to Cindy on the bed, and sweetly asked, 'Can I just have one more?'

Soon she was munching on a second one.

She again snuggled up to Cindy on the bed, and sweetly asked, 'Can I just have the rest of them?'

Why can't she be stubborn in her likes and dislikes like the other kids!

Oh, the trials we parents bear!

Note: The answer to the second question from this cookie-grubbing pest was 'No.'

Curse You, Foul Conscience!

Yesterday evening I waltzed* into a standing-room only bedroom . Cameron and Kenner were lying on the floor drawing pictures, and Ally and Cindy were lying on the bed watching TV (Cindy has been having some back woes...).
In my hand I had brought something to cheer Cindy up. Kenner looked up and saw that it was a pack of cookies.

'OOOH,' she said, 'What do you have there, my dearest, favoritest Daddy?'

That caused Cameron and Ally to go on point.

'Oh,' I casually replied, 'Just some Girl Scout cookies that....' [insert insanely evil chortle here] '....are chock-full of COCONUT! Oh yeah, baby! COCONUT SAMOA's!'

(Our kids HATE coconut. Teeheehee.....harharhar.....)

Ever-thinking Cameron asked, 'Did you buy any other kinds? You're supposed to buy good ones, like the peanut butter ones.'

'Bah humbug!' I kindly replied, 'Why would I buy something that kids would eat?!'
'
Looking down upon my progeny with a sense of self-satisfaction, I handed one to Cindy and then popped a delicious coconut-caramel-chocolate cookie into my mouth. [Insert 'yummy' noises here.]

Fast-forward to today.....I walk into the break room and work, and there are 2 boxes of GS cookies still left.

I bought a box.

A box of stupid chocolate-covered peanut butter Tagalong patties.

Stupid conscience!

Of course, it is a long drive home....If I averaged even one per minute, I could easily finish off the entire box....

PS: Cindy assuaged our childrens' trauma by digging up one of her chocolate stashes, this particular one consisting of Christmas-themed Nestle Crunch bars, which just happened to be in her nightstand, so she didn't even have to get off the bed.
Funny that. I didn't know about them either. Nor was I offered one. I'll have to ponder the significance of that.

*Figuratively waltzing, of course--and in retrospect I sincerely apologize for any mental pictures that this ill-chosen verb may have evoked.

Tuesday Night Smackdown

As Erin and I returned home from her JH/HS Winter Sports Recognition event, Erin started what I guess could have been a conversation....

'I don't have any social skills. I don't know how to talk to anyone.'

She then continued, 'I must've gotten that from you.'

(Yeah, it's probably true....I'd rather communicate with a keyboard than a conversation....)

You don't wanna meet this chorister in a dark alley

As part of Family Home Evening tonight Makenna taught us how to lead music for the different time signatures. She had even made a little book that showed how to do all the different times.

She had me showcase my skill at 6/8, which I did with gusto (yeah, I spent 4 years in band, so I know this stuff like....well....like the back of my hand).
Cindy delicately commented about my stunning wrist action. I can't remember exactly what she said, but it involved a word like 'festiveness' or something similar.

Then we all worked with Erin to teach her 3/4 time. Cindy took the lead, and after a couple practice waves, she began chanting the following as she exaggerated her motions on the 3-step pattern:
"KARATE CHOP! BACKHAND! FACE-SLAP!...
...Repeat!...
KARATE CHOP! BACKHAND! FACE-SLAP!"

Then, like any good mother, she tried to apply this lesson to something more applicable to our everyday lives, and so, with even more gusto, she continued with the same basic motions, chanting:
"CAMERON, ERIN, CAMERON!
CAMERON, ERIN, CAMERON."

Hmmm....maybe we could suggest this for a future version of WII FIT....Power Choristering!

Not so sucky after all?

As Cindy and Ally got into the van to drive to preschool, Ally was all prepared with her trusty 'silky.' (One of a number of silky items around the house that she holds and caresses with her left hand as she sucks on the fore- and middle-fingers on her right hand.)

Driving the short distance, they both enjoyed listening to a Taylor Swift CD.

As Ally was getting out of the van, it dawned on her...
'Ohhhhh! I forgot to suck my fingers!'
Cindy replied, 'You don't need to suck your fingers Ally.'
Ally responded, 'But I always do!'

And to think that I thought that Taylor Swift only distracted teenage boys!

to add insult to injury....literally ;(

Saturday evening Cameron ordered a gun with his hard earned and very well saved money. He said Thursday, the day it was expected to be delivered, was going to be the "best day of my life". Not anymore.....

The company just called to let us know they sold out. It is a refurbished gun and they told us they have more of the new ones in stock but it is a $70 price difference. Sorry buddy.....you are going to have to wait. One the bright side, at least you won't have to try and hold that gun with a sore arm and pierced fingers.

Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me.....

Cameron has had a rough couple days.
On Friday he was sick on a day that school was again cancelled due to snow.
On Saturday he was diagnosed with strep and he started taking antibiotics
On Sunday he was fiddling down in the man-cave and somehow lost control of an 1/8th-inch-thick length of wire, and it went right through the upper joint of his left index finger, deftly scratching the neighboring finger to the right and burying the end of the wire into the fleshy pad below his thumb.
(And to make matters worse, he didn't even take the time to snap a photo before he pulled it out of his finger!)
He got to spend a couple hours in Urgent Care and a prescription for stronger antibiotics.
On Monday (today) he went to his pediatric doctor, where he got a tetanus booster that has made his whole arm hurt and a prescription for even STRONGER antibiotics. (He was also advised to wear safety glasses when playing with wire.)
But hey, it got him out of school.....and he celebrated by falling asleep on the couch at 2 PM.
Yep, that boy is plumb wore out! (Not that we're complaining, of course.....)