“Out, danged song! out, I say!”

I was enjoying a luxuriously deep sleep at 5 AM this morning, when Cindy’s alarm clock radio flipped on. The dulcet tones of John Denver filled the room.
I have helpfully provided a timeline of my thoughts as I had to listen to the lyrics (as marked by asterisks).

‘Sunshine.....on my shoulders*....makes me happy!..............
Sunshine....in my eyes....can make me cry**..............
Sunshine....on the water....looks so lovely...............
Sunshine....almost always***....makes me high...........****

if I had....a day*****..........that I could give you....******

*”Is this a nightmare? You’ve got to be joking! She’s gotta stop listening to that ‘oldies station.’”
**”Why isn’t she getting out of bed and turning that heckacious noise off?
***”Oh, the a—go—ny!!!! And why do I find it not at all surprising that he sings a high tenor (alto?).”
****”Yeah, ‘high’ is the right word. Likely stoned out of his mind when he wrote it!”
*****”Is she deaf? Is she dead? She’d better be!”
******”She’s finally getting up to turn it off! My sanity is saved!!! Note to self: Self, you’d better put a bat by the bed tomorrow in case Neil Diamond tries to wake you up!”

Two hours later, as I was walking out the door to work, I told Cindy, ‘You know, it’s all YOUR fault!’

She gave me a blank look and replied, ‘What is?’

I continued, ‘That I have that stupid John Denver song running through my head! Aaaargh!’

She chuckled, ‘I just loved it when I heard that this morning! And it was even more delicious because I knew that it would drive you crazy! That’s why I let it play for so long!’

Hmmm....Sounds like I need to get my 'Best of ZZ-Top' CD out and return the favor!

Daddo's Always Know the Best Soothing Words of Comfort

A couple days ago Ally had a loose chunk of a toenail that needed to be clipped off.
Cindy had tried to do it the night before, but Ally had steadfastly refused to provide access.
So the next morning I got a goor bearhug on Ally and gave her her favorite stuffed animal (a dog of all things!) and then Cindy grabbed the clippers to perform the toenailendectomy.
Ally starting crying frantically. Tears streamed down her face and her body was a frenzy of squirms.

Naturally, Cindy had yet to even touch her toenail.

I grabbed her tighter to immobilize her and cut off her view of the offending toenail, and Cindy clamped onto her foot and after enduring a couple more spastic squirms she was able to cut it off.

Ally continued to piteously cry after the fact, so I attempted to console her. Hearking back to a recent movie, I crooned, ‘Ally, do you think that the guy that had to cut his own arm off cried?’

I don’t know if it consoled her, but it did make Cindy break out into uncontrollable laughter.

Sniper Dude

Cameron just got back from his first time at Scout camp. He got 5 merit badges and quite the reputation.
As one of the leaders told Cindy today, 'You didn't tell me your son was a natural-born killer!'
After a couple years of shooting thousands of BBs and then .22 caliber pellets, shooting a .22 rifle for the Rifle Shooting merit badge was a piece of cake. I guess he passed the first level (3 out of 3 shots within the circumference of a quarter) with his first 3 shots.
He was the first to pass off that merit badge and also the first in Archery. (Not that he was bragging or anything!)
Then yesterday we went to a free beginning shooters' class at a nearby gun club, and he was one of only 4 out of our group of 30 to hit a clay bird with a 20-gauge shotgun (and the only one to fully disintegrate the bird).
Yes, he is quite insufferable!
I guess this is another one of those traits that skipped a generation! (Dad won numerous WA state muzzle-loader tourneys in the 70s....)

Able to shotput parents with a single bound!

The other night I was in bed and Erin kept pestering me with questions, etc., just to get on my nerves.
As I wasn't in a mode of dress that would be suitable to escort her out the door, I called out to Cindy to help her out the door.
After I did this Erin responded, 'Yeah, as if Mom could get me out! I could just pick her up and throw her out the window!'
We all chuckled at that, and then she blissfully (to me) went to bed.

Bliss

On Sunday we picked the first strawberries from the garden, and yesterday the first 8 raspberries were ripe and we also enjoyed our first freshly-picked garden salad.
Life is good.

Oh Deer!

As we were getting ready for church this morning Allyson came to me and said,

"I wish Makenna was named Clarise, and be a reindeer. Reindeer are nice."

um.....okay?

Enough about Cats Already!

Makenna is reading book twenty-elevenhundredth in this series about cats that live in clans in the wild. (The 'Warriors' Series.)

Personally, I don't like cats much. Actually I pretty much detest the needy little beggars.

Anyway, yesterday I offered to get some cracks out of Makenna's back, so she laid down on the floor on her stomach and I began working my way up her back to loosen her muscles. When I got to the prime pushing area (where I usually get about 20 cracks at once and her back sinks back down a good ½ inch), as usual I paused and waited for her to relax.

However, she kept tensing up, so finally I said, 'Kenner, you need to be limp--like a wet noodle.
She rejoindered, 'Do you mean "Like a mouse limp in a cat's jaws?"'

'Uh, well....hmmm....I guess....yes. Something like that.'

She was giggling so much that I finally gave up.

At least those books have got her hooked on reading.....at last!

Tickled?

Cindy called me up, and I must say she sounded right tickled with herself.

'Guess what happened?' she said.

'Hmm....Did you hurt your back?' (No, I'm not a very good guesser.)

'Uhh, no. But I just removed a tick from Makenna's head by myself!
And I didn't even call you and tell you to get home right away and take care of it!'

I was also pleased as punch!

One less manly task that I have to do every time. That shortens the list to killing spiders, gardening, mowing, greasing door hinges, changing the oil in the vehicles, and popping blisters!

(Thank goodness tapeworms aren't a problem!)

Perceptive Little Cuss

A few days ago Ally wasn't feeling so hot, so as she laid on our bed I laid down next to her and began tickling her back.

Within 5 seconds she commented, 'You cut your fingernails!'

Yes, I had cut them that morning. I marveled at her perceptiveness--and her memory of how my fingernails had felt the previous night at bedtime!

She snuggled even closer, and then out of the blue snuggled even closer and said, 'Let me smell your armpit!'

I marveled at her total lack of common sense and her plumb foolishness.

She survived.

She even mentioned that it smelled like one of her friends.

Another thing to put on my to-do list: Avoid meeting her friends.

She's right again.....of course!

I love free water for the lawn and garden as much as the next skinflint, but as another big rainstorm approaches (which will likely put us over 9" of rain for the month), I have to agree with Cindy's statement yesterday.

"When you're driving down the highway and see ducks swimming in farmers' fields, I think I can say that I have had enough rain for awhile."

A blast from the past--

Many years ago there was an 'Erma Bombeck' writing contest. Yes, I lost. As did many others, I'm sure. Anyway, I just came across it, so I'm posting it here without comment....
Except to comment that this was written for a general audience....
...And it was written many years ago....
...And any similarity between anyone living or dead is purely coincidental, otherwise I would likely already be dead....
...And yes, I used too many big words....
...And yes, my favorite phrase relates to chess, though it doesn't apply in my case. Maybe I should copyright it?...

But I digress....

Today’s modern men have learned with near-precocious alacrity the utility of the phrase ‘Yes, Dear’ to majestically display our seemingly tender acquiescence to those terribly pressing issues plaguing our dearests that, frankly, don’t mean diddly to us. Magnanimously we agree with her on her selection of the dinner vegetable, the shoes that best match her latest outfit, and the fragrance of the shampoo.
But there are certain times when we men use ‘Yes, Dear’ to convey a nuance teeming with angst.
For example, recently my dearest wife was on the phone giving advice to a newly-engaged friend about wedding ring selection. I overheard her remark, “I see he hasn’t learned how to say ‘Yes, Dear’ yet. But he will!” I chimed in, “Yes, he will. But in a ring-purchasing scenario, though he may say ‘Yes, Dear,’ he is really thinking ‘HOLY CRAP!’”
Yes, this subtle nuance often goes unnoticed when we men reply to certain queries from our dearests. Specifically, it is those queries that will involve a man’s time, effort, and/or money. It is never vocalized (except by those lacking any sort of judgment, tact, or self- preservation instinct), but it can be detected by just the slightest hesitation that precedes the obligatory ‘Yes, dear.’
Such nuance-rich responses would follow seemingly innocuous suggestions such as ‘Let’s repaint a room!’ ‘Let’s drop by the fabric store!” or “Let’s rearrange the furniture!”
Yet, speaking of hidden nuances, a man is still a mere novice when compared to his dearest, who has never met a nuance she didn’t like. This is because she has learned that nuances-both those she gives and those she receives (and promptly ignores)--are win-win for her. Mated man is thus in continual checkmate.
So let’s consider the above three suggestions as a quick primer in this female deceit…I mean, nuance. When painting, the word ‘Let’s’ would usually be considered fully inclusive in nature, but in this particular instance would mean ‘I’ll pick out the paint color and you paint.’ Likewise, ‘dropping by’ the fabric store will swallow an entire Saturday afternoon. (And as we all know, for most man each minute in a fabric store feels like a year. In prison. At hard labor.) As for rearranging furniture, the man may be excused for mistakenly thinking that his dearest already has a final plan in her mind, but after moving the upright grand to the 3rd and then 4th location, he will realize that the final arrangement will only be attained at the exact moment he physically collapses--the final arrangement for that day, anyway.
“…What was that, sweetie? Get off the computer and help you spade up and plant the garden?
“…Yes, dear.”

The end of times must be near? It's getting all apocalypsy on me!

It only took a year or two for the mayonnaise. But in the end she stopped buying that garbage otherwise known as Miracle Whip.

It only took about 5 years for the peanut butter ice cream. But recently she put a big dollop of plain PB in her bowl of ice cream.

And tonight.....tonight.....(sorry, I'm getting all teary-eyed)....she picked up an 'Supreme' (Everything) pizza at Sam's Club.

The reason? 'I saw it and it just looked soooo good!'

Tonight is the first night I have eaten a true pizza (in my humble opinion) in our 15 years of married bliss.

Yes, it was delicious! Even the onions and peppers that others picked off of theirs.

Now all that's left is sushi.....but I'm jest fine if she leaves it all for me....and now Cameron!

Small Talk

About a week ago Cindy called me at work to tell me something or other of importance.
After that she began talking about something that she had heard about or seen. She went into great detail.
I began multitasking, typing away on a translation.

Shortly thereafter she stopped in mid-sentence, paused slightly, and then commented, 'I don't know why I am talking to you like this--like I would talk to a girlfriend--thinking that you even really care.'

Without missing a typing beat, I adroitly replied, 'Did you say something?'

No, I actually replied something along the lines of 'Oh, I don't mind listening.' but I was probably lacking the requisite ring of sincerity. (She's already wearing the other ring of sincerity!)

That ended that conversation, and it may be that we both ended it a little wiser.

Then again, as Cindy is already wise, maybe she just had someone else calling in on the other line!

All is safely gathered in.....

Cindy was asked to teach the sisters at a stake RS activity how to can chicken by doing a hands-on class, which she (with some assistance from me) did 6 times in a 3-hour period in order to show everyone how easy it really is.

We would like to express our warm thanks to all the sisters in the stake who helped us can 20 quarts and 27 pints of chicken for our food supply (and the use of Sis. Brown's ouble-layer pressure canner at the church). Mmmm Mmmm good!

So instead of spending 2 or 3 days to do 80 pounds of chicken we only had to spend 16 hours* that day to get it all canned.

(This of course does not include the trip to Sam's the day before to buy the chicken, a trip to Walmart to buy the lids, washing all the jars, preparing handouts, bringing a good portion of the kitchen up to the church, cutting up 12 pounds of chicken the night before, cleaning up afterwards, etc.) =)

The deed is done....

After a couple weeks of looking over the lay of the land, the 'Hill Cumorah' dirt mound behind our house now sports a narrow trail that takes you along the steep side all the way to the top. I saw that there were some wild blackberries growing on the hillside too, so I also cut out a dead-end trail to them.

If I get really ambitious I may even put in a small terrace for even more garden space!

Oh yeah--as of last night the spinach, leaf lettuce, sweet onion bulbs, and garlic (yeah, it's best if planted in the fall, but at $1.50 at Walmart, what's to lose?) is in the ground.

Spring is Around the Corner

Today after the stake Daddy-Daughter Activity (where I learned afresh that I have no aptitude for line dancing, be it the jitterbug or Michael Jackson moves) I went home and got to work.

1. Made a new 12' x 2' raised bed for some blackberry (thornless no less! Thanks Sis!) and raspberry plants (thanks again Myla!) that we transplanted to our garden plot last fall. I'll be digging the grass out and filling it in with dirt at a later date!
2. Removed a lot of old dry reedy stalks from 'Hill Cumorah' behind our house and dumped them behind said hill. I am studying the feasibility of rototilling out a trail to the top....or at least making a small terrace in a somewhat flat section.
3. Rototilled the entire garden--we are planning to plant some spinach later this week.
4. Applied lime pellets to the yard (thanks again Myla!)

I noticed that some of the strawberry transplants from my sister are sporting leaves, and that the foolhardy ('No Cameron, you can't shoot it!') rooster pheasant that comes through our yard most every evening stopped to peck around in the freshly-tilled dirt.

Anyway, is there a better way to spend a beautiful sunny (if windy) Saturday?

Addendum: Tonight I looked in the mirror, and saw that I had gotten some sun on my forehead. I mentioned it to Cindy and she chimed in, 'Yeah, and it even penetrated through your hair!'(evil smirk)

Thank you Andrew.....

Andrew "Klavan On the Culture" that is....

It is now 11:52 PM, and still no sign of the shopper!

However, I have kept myself entertained immensely on YouTube and Pajamas Media with the 'Klavan On the Culture' snippets.

If you are a conservative, enjoy! (Try his 'Young Person's Guide to the Constitution; or the Obama Beach Blanket Recovery; if you are interested in public unions, he has a new one out about that too!)
If you're not, don't bother!

I wonder if Dairy Queen still sells Blizzards at this time of night.....That would be one theory for the late night out....

Yes, I would be in bed already if I didn't think she needed help carrying things in. =)

Great News!

Cindy's back is feeling a LOT better!

This announcement was arrived at by inductive reasoning.

She left for the 'Nickel Auction' at 6:50 PM.

It is now 11:10 PM, and still no hide nor hair.

Ergo, her back must be feeling fine!

(I hope she bought something good to read for me!)

Lullaby Schullaby

I was guarding the henhouse tonight, and the kids were somewhat rowdy.

Since they couldn't decide on a movie to watch from our somewhat extensive collection, I found one of my favorites from my personal stash: "Master and Commander." (Having read Horatio Hornblower novels since the 7th grade, how could I NOT like it?!)

And Clearplay was in the vanguard, cutting out the language, etc., like a virtual Nelson.(Though Erin emitted a lot of EWWWWs when the 11-year old midshipman got his arm amputated....)

Anyway, it was a big hit, in my opinion, anyway.

Ally soon fell asleep in my arms, and then Cameron and Erin fell asleep on the couch and floor, respectively.

Kenner (who had poo-poo-ed my movie selection) came down about 50 minutes in, and she was soon yawning too.

20 minutes later I woke them up, turned the movie off, and hustled them to bed.

Well done, Jack Aubrey. Well done!

Inane Comment of the Day

Cameron looking out at the coating of new-fallen snow:

"That's how it should look outside!"